**DIARY OF A SHURIMAN MERCHANT**
_by Miss Auri_
**INSTITUTE OF WAR: RECOVERED DOCUMENT NO. 350002
Diary of a Shuriman merchant. Discovered June 26, 27 CLE, in the sands of northern Shurima.**
My name is Khaldir, and I am a merchant’s son from Shurima, come to ply my trade at the Institute of War. My father cautioned me against venturing north with my family, but I am eager to see the world beyond the endless sands of my homeland, and to sell my humble wares to the great champions of Summoner’s Rift. I have decided to keep this diary in order to document my journey and all the wonders I may find in these strange northern lands.
I have successfully established myself in the marketplace of the Institute of War, though I had not yet seen a champion until today. I found it difficult to contain my excitement, until I realised that he who walked towards me was Yorick. Perhaps I’ll have better luck tomorrow.
My son Akhar was assisting me this afternoon, and was thrilled to see the champion Master Yi walk past. Alas, I did not share his enthusiasm, knowing as I do that the Master is not currently favoured by the greatest summoners. My son insisted on his greatness, however, and our resulting argument only ended after he called me ‘bronze trash’. I would excuse his childish fascination with Yi – after all, twelve-year-old boys know little better – but I can’t help but wonder if these northern lands will be a bad influence upon my children.
The monstrosity known as Urgot stopped by my stall today. We got to talking, and he told me that he had a dark and secret past. I asked him to elaborate, but he didn’t seem to have any idea what else to say.
Riven came by this afternoon to purchase my last Mejai’s Soulstealer. I suggested that she might prefer a Long Sword instead, but she insisted that the item was for something she referred to as a ‘sweet new build’. She then explained how she would later engage in an activity known as ‘pwning’. We do not use such phrases in the south, and I expressed my confusion at such a strange word. She then called me ‘cancer’, insinuated that my mother was a woman of ill repute, and left without making a purchase.
I was delighted to serve one of my favourite champions today, when Lucian stopped by to browse my wares. He was surprisingly amiable, and most eager to browse my latest shipment of Ghostblades. Unfortunately, our conversation turned sour when I asked how he felt being one of the only champions of his kind in the League. He instantly became irate and stormed off in a huff, leaving his new purchases behind. Naturally, I am confused as to the source of his ire. After all, there are so few widowers who can find the courage to fight after losing a spouse.
I had an argument with my eldest daughter Iah today, after she showed me her new outfit. It seems she has taken to dressing in the fashion of northern women, favouring costumes similar to those worn by the champions Sona, Katarina, and Ahri. I was just about to warn her about the perils of wearing such scandalous outfits, when our heated discussion was cut short by the arrival of Lee Sin. Luckily, being blind, he was unable to witness my daughter’s embarrassing state of undress, though he had an uncanny ability to keep his head trained in the direction of her chest throughout our conversation. Most curious.
We received a shipment of Triforces today, newly upgraded for the rigours of the modern League. Much to my surprise, the new items had barely been unpacked and put on display when Irelia arrived at my stall. Shockingly, she was sobbing hysterically, and in actual fact she looked rather unhinged. “Relevant! I'm relevant!” she gasped, practically throwing money across the counter towards me. “T…tonnes of damage.” I quickly gave her a Triforce and backed away hurriedly, lest I catch her madness.
I was cleaning up the store late tonight, when I heard some strange sounds coming from a nearby alley. Curious, I followed the sounds until I came across the champions Ezreal and Taric, huddled together in a dark corner. The blond youngster disappeared in a flash of golden light the moment he saw me, but the older Taric was slower to leave. He couldn’t quite meet my eyes, and muttered something about “gems” before disappearing into the gloom.
I thought I caught a glimpse of the Yordle known as Teemo today as he walked through the marketplace. Oddly enough, he was followed by what appeared to be a cult of women chanting in tongues and offering blood sacrifices to some dark god. In other news, my wife Fahda has not returned home for several days. I have found no clue as to her whereabouts, save for the remnants of a destroyed mushroom in our bedroom.
Twisted Fate, I have learned, is always rather good for a chat (especially when he has been drinking), and often comes past my stall simply to talk. As we were conversing earlier today, the mermaid Nami flopped past, and upon seeing her he raised an eyebrow and remarked, “I don’t care what Graves says, I still reckon I’d go top half fish”. I am not entirely sure what he means, but at least he was willing to share his ale.
My wife has still not returned. I mourn her loss, but despite my best efforts, I have not found any sign of her presence. My uncharitable neighbour suggested she may have left me for one of the League’s more handsome bachelors, such as Garen, Pantheon or Draven, but I cannot believe my beloved Fahda would betray me so. The latter came by my stall today, in fact, and I gathered the courage to ask him if he had seen any sign of Fahda. He gave me no answer, save for the manliest of grins and a twirl of his moustache. I thought I heard him say a long, drawn out “Draaaaaaaaaven” as he sauntered away.
I had a rather strange experience in the marketplace today, as my gaze fell upon what I thought was a familiar face. The new visitor reminded me of a girl I once knew in Shurima, and I called the name of my friend. “Toph. Toph!” I shouted, but much to my confusion the young stone mage did not acknowledge my cries. I could have sworn she was my old friend, but perhaps I was mistaken.
I was blessed today to receive a visit from the most enlightened lady in all of Runeterra, Karma. She is very beautiful, of course, and I was flattered that she chose to stay long in conversation with me. Eventually, she told me the thrilling tale of her latest victory on the Rift, during which she had avenged the fall of her countrymen, Shen and Akali. She finished the story with a flourish, proudly announcing that “Karma was a bitch”. For a long while, I stared at her. She stared back. It seemed as if she were expecting me to laugh, but I thought the comment was rather obvious and unoriginal. Following an awkward silence, the conversation moved forwards, but she was considerably less charitable towards me from then on.
By the light of the great Sun Disc, today I was privileged enough to speak to the Emperor himself! The great Azir paid visit to my stall today, seeking out my superior Shuriman wares. Unfortunately, it seemed that the Emperor was not quite himself, and asked for a tonic to aid his aching back. When I enquired further, he complained of exhaustion and overuse, and muttered words in a tongue that I did not understand. The only two words I could make out before he left were ‘Faker’ and ‘Bjergsen’, but I cannot even guess as to what these statements may mean.
The void being known as Vel’Koz visited my store today. He (it?) wanted to by boots. I tried to explain how tentacles differ from feet, and how none of my boots would fit, but he (it?) would not listen. After a heated argument, he disintegrated my store and all my wares. I barely escaped with my life. I have lost my wife to this land, and my children no longer respect me. I cannot bear to be called a ‘noob’ a day longer. I think I will heed my father’s advice, and return home to Shurima. It pains me to say it, but he was right. I do not understand the ways of the Rift at all.