Shakespeare's 'The Two Allies of Piltover'

Shakespeare’s ‘The Two Allies of Piltover’ (Inside a messy Piltover living room with strange artefacts strewn about Enter Ezreal and Janna) JANNA Now is the winter of our discontent Made summer by this divine talisman Whose Shuriman light illuminates mess EZREAL Mess? Tis’ blasphemy to condemn treasure! Treasure, not petty mess! How dare you, the Storm’s Fury, disdain my hard earned rewards. This medallion, whose nomadic owner Perished in the heart of Azir’s domain, Was the result of a great eagle’s eye And bravery that would send Darius And his men retreating in complete dread. JANNA (Aside) The sight of a blade would surely cause Ez’ To quickly Arcane Shift to my bosom Where the villains would face my Howling Gale. (To Ezreal) Your escapades have brought you some riches, Although finding them in this disorder Would be like searching for a tear of joy In an ocean of Amumu’s despair. A room plan or sketch would alleviate This troublesome locale – EZREAL - Who needs a map When the greatest treasure is equip-ed To my wrist? (Shows off the talisman on his wrist) - JANNA - (Sighs) Of course not, young explorer. (Aside) I fear another story of travels And times at the depths of the rift in which A careful mystic shot slayed a villain. (To Ezreal) Regardless, unless a frozen whirlwind Summoned by Anivia detach me, I am here in your abode and shall stay. Your “displays of skill” have earned devotion. Although, your request to clean your findings With my Zephyr dares to breach our friendship. My mighty Monsoon has been known to tear Even great Juggernauts from their holding. To use my divine magic for dusting Is, dare I say Ezreal, near insulting. EZREAL But surely, great enchantress, your Mana Would not be dropped by such a simple task When sending giants flying is so easy. (The sound of chimes and trumpets, initially quiet but progressively louder) JANNA Alas, I fear our, time isolated Comes to a sudden end young prodigy. (Looking around the room) Bard, Bard, wherefore art thou great caretaker? Deny thy capricious allegiance to Support me to Cleanse this horrid abode, Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love And I will no longer be with Ezreal. (Enter Bard through a Magical Journey, followed by Zilean) ZILEAN Ah! The Wondering Caretaker spoil me! Although, Ezreal’s cottage does disturb one… EZREAL (Shock that becomes sarcasm) Great chronokeeper, I am honoured Although, your visit bewilders me - BARD - Toot. ZILEAN Poor child, your ignorance doth astound me. One’s seemingly rightful place can quickly Be removed, by eventuality Or by the grand oppression of others. The thought of replacing residence here, Of all places, disgusts me however. Live in fear, not that your home be stolen But that your being meet a similar fate. These walls may not protect you, nor can I. Rivers, jungles and even one’s allies Are rarely enough to deter prowlers. EZREAL True, one as vulnerable as myself, Arcane Shift aside, can’t be in comfort. Had Bard’s portal held a greater villain I may have found myself in the domain Of the Shadow Isles, at Yorick’s whim. However, I remain steadfast until Great Twisted Fate to high Piltover hill Shall come against me – ZILEAN - That shall not happen. His Destiny will not cross yours today But a different travelling tyrant Doth make his expeditious arrival. JANNA Unless this villain wish to face a gust Powerful enough disengage wars, He be best avoiding this residence. BARD (Urgently) Pah-pa-rah, toot toot doot ring toot ring ting ZILEAN I fear our peaceful time come to an end. (A growing, bubbling pool of murky water appears centre stage) EZREAL What sorcery is this? Intervention By Nami? No. The Tidecaller never Dirties aqua. A fouler demon’s work. (Everyone steps away from the pool as it grows) ZILEAN Fair is foul and foul is fair. Hover through thy fog and filthy air. Something wicked this way comes. (Loudly, at the pool) Show yourself, interloper! - BARD - Toot ring ting (Aside) O’, bold and weïrd chronokeeper whose fate Is surely safe from the beast below’s bite, To toy with mortal’s fragile, foolish minds Is a true sin. Divine foresight vanish When identifying the massive beast? For shame! The monarch of aqua impose His presence and ye lure him out to pick At the mind of the beyond ancient King. Let ye onlookers know that Tempered Fate Doth favour the honest and loyal ones Who the demon seeketh, not the trickster. (Enter Tahm Kench, Ezreal and Janna gasp, Zilean smiles) JANNA Beware young prodigy, pray to Xerath That the River King’s appetite be quash’d Else your fate rest with his gnashing, vile teeth. TAHM KENCH Careful who you label vile, “Storm’s Fury,” Water forgets the names of the drown-ed. My appetite may only be sated By the weak-willed and tormented persons, To assume the virtuous find themselves Within my belly is frankly churlish. Whether such inflicted souls are present Remains to be seen – EZREAL - (With caution) I respect thee king But to bestow yourself without notice In our presence requires explanation ZILEAN Disregard that brash lad whose tongue pursues, Tell me, ancient monarch, of times long lost. TAHM KENCH I will not satiate your desires, time lord. (To Ezreal) My presence need little explanation, All the world’s a river – and I’m its King. However, perhaps my existence here Proves fruitful. Your inner-demons hide well But pride and hubris eats away at you. Misery has a delectable taste And my maw awaits a meal such as you. EZREAL Fie! You consider me weak-minded, villain? TAHM KENCH Perhaps not pathetic as a Yordle, But their will together is impressive. You may satisfy if your confidence Does not wane. Stronger men have been fell-ed. JANNA Surely the fields of battle quench your thirst. One as simple and bony as Ezreal Would leave an appetite as this coin would (points to Ancient Coin). The forlorn beings of the Shadow Isles, Such as the Gravedigger would satiate. TAHM KENCH Let me see. (takes the coin) Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Janna, a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. Men such as Yorick deserve pure respect. This measly squire earns little more than teeth (eats the coin). BARD Pah-pa-rah ring EZREAL (more angry than scared) Enough of this madness! Why, in times of peace, must my place see battle With demons, wizards and gods intruding? ZILEAN Marksmen and enchanters may never rest In horror that a deadly combatant Charge, or otherwise materialize Into their once undisturbed residence. TAHM KENCH Tis true, to object is simply futile. JANNA (More or less to herself) Two parties, both alike in dignity In fair Piltover, where we lay our scene, From plain farming break to new mutiny, Where a gank’s blood make civil hands unclean. From forth fatal lanes of these two foes A pair of loyal allies cling to life Whose fearsome company dare overthrows Doth with their deaths bury their teammates strife. “’O brave new world that has such people in’t!” They cry before clashing their bloodied blades. Yet to their anger doth colleagues commit. To view the stage or provide needed aid, That is the question. But pointless bloodshed Simply help to set the duo’s deathbed EZREAL True Janna, leave us be or ignite rage That flood through Piltover’s veins, Caitlyn’s gun Is quick to eliminate murderers. ZILEAN Perhaps my presence is less occasion And more trouble. Let us leave, Caretaker, Before ninjas, gamblers or Void creatures Travel to our locale! BARD Ring toot toot ring! (Aside) To abuse my powers for trivial Locomotion is crude, albeit fun… (Exit Bard and Zilean) TAHM KENCH Delay, my swift, fleeing acquaintances, Time to Cooldown impedes my excursion! (Aside) Pray that Heimerdinger be unprepar’d Because my assiduous appetite May, like myself, be not easily bench-ed (Exit Tahm Kench) JANNA Although lesser evil than those villains, I’m afraid that I will roam past these walls. Much greater aid than mere babysitting Is needed elsewhere. Take care, explorer. (Exit Janna) EZREAL Wait! Leave not without me, for loneliness Leaves one vulnerable and without your Eye of the Storm, my scared soul and body Be quick to dismantle by one whose burst Squishes me were I a mere mortal bug. (Exit Ezreal) THE END
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