Shakespeare’s ‘The Two Allies of Piltover’
(Inside a messy Piltover living room with strange artefacts strewn about
Enter Ezreal and Janna)
Now is the winter of our discontent
Made summer by this divine talisman
Whose Shuriman light illuminates mess
Mess? Tis’ blasphemy to condemn treasure!
Treasure, not petty mess! How dare you, the
Storm’s Fury, disdain my hard earned rewards.
This medallion, whose nomadic owner
Perished in the heart of Azir’s domain,
Was the result of a great eagle’s eye
And bravery that would send Darius
And his men retreating in complete dread.
(Aside) The sight of a blade would surely cause Ez’
To quickly Arcane Shift to my bosom
Where the villains would face my Howling Gale.
(To Ezreal) Your escapades have brought you some riches,
Although finding them in this disorder
Would be like searching for a tear of joy
In an ocean of Amumu’s despair.
A room plan or sketch would alleviate
This troublesome locale –
- Who needs a map
When the greatest treasure is equip-ed
To my wrist? (Shows off the talisman on his wrist) -
- (Sighs) Of course not, young explorer.
(Aside) I fear another story of travels
And times at the depths of the rift in which
A careful mystic shot slayed a villain.
(To Ezreal) Regardless, unless a frozen whirlwind
Summoned by Anivia detach me,
I am here in your abode and shall stay.
Your “displays of skill” have earned devotion.
Although, your request to clean your findings
With my Zephyr dares to breach our friendship.
My mighty Monsoon has been known to tear
Even great Juggernauts from their holding.
To use my divine magic for dusting
Is, dare I say Ezreal, near insulting.
But surely, great enchantress, your Mana
Would not be dropped by such a simple task
When sending giants flying is so easy.
(The sound of chimes and trumpets, initially quiet but progressively louder)
Alas, I fear our, time isolated
Comes to a sudden end young prodigy.
(Looking around the room) Bard, Bard, wherefore art thou great caretaker?
Deny thy capricious allegiance to
Support me to Cleanse this horrid abode,
Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love
And I will no longer be with Ezreal.
(Enter Bard through a Magical Journey, followed by Zilean)
Ah! The Wondering Caretaker spoil me!
Although, Ezreal’s cottage does disturb one…
(Shock that becomes sarcasm) Great chronokeeper, I am honoured
Although, your visit bewilders me -
Poor child, your ignorance doth astound me.
One’s seemingly rightful place can quickly
Be removed, by eventuality
Or by the grand oppression of others.
The thought of replacing residence here,
Of all places, disgusts me however.
Live in fear, not that your home be stolen
But that your being meet a similar fate.
These walls may not protect you, nor can I.
Rivers, jungles and even one’s allies
Are rarely enough to deter prowlers.
True, one as vulnerable as myself,
Arcane Shift aside, can’t be in comfort.
Had Bard’s portal held a greater villain
I may have found myself in the domain
Of the Shadow Isles, at Yorick’s whim.
However, I remain steadfast until
Great Twisted Fate to high Piltover hill
Shall come against me –
- That shall not happen.
His Destiny will not cross yours today
But a different travelling tyrant
Doth make his expeditious arrival.
Unless this villain wish to face a gust
Powerful enough disengage wars,
He be best avoiding this residence.
(Urgently) Pah-pa-rah, toot toot doot ring toot ring ting
I fear our peaceful time come to an end.
(A growing, bubbling pool of murky water appears centre stage)
What sorcery is this? Intervention
By Nami? No. The Tidecaller never
Dirties aqua. A fouler demon’s work.
(Everyone steps away from the pool as it grows)
Fair is foul and foul is fair.
Hover through thy fog and filthy air.
Something wicked this way comes.
(Loudly, at the pool) Show yourself, interloper! -
- Toot ring ting
(Aside) O’, bold and weïrd chronokeeper whose fate
Is surely safe from the beast below’s bite,
To toy with mortal’s fragile, foolish minds
Is a true sin. Divine foresight vanish
When identifying the massive beast?
For shame! The monarch of aqua impose
His presence and ye lure him out to pick
At the mind of the beyond ancient King.
Let ye onlookers know that Tempered Fate
Doth favour the honest and loyal ones
Who the demon seeketh, not the trickster.
(Enter Tahm Kench, Ezreal and Janna gasp, Zilean smiles)
Beware young prodigy, pray to Xerath
That the River King’s appetite be quash’d
Else your fate rest with his gnashing, vile teeth.
Careful who you label vile, “Storm’s Fury,”
Water forgets the names of the drown-ed.
My appetite may only be sated
By the weak-willed and tormented persons,
To assume the virtuous find themselves
Within my belly is frankly churlish.
Whether such inflicted souls are present
Remains to be seen –
- (With caution) I respect thee king
But to bestow yourself without notice
In our presence requires explanation
Disregard that brash lad whose tongue pursues,
Tell me, ancient monarch, of times long lost.
I will not satiate your desires, time lord.
(To Ezreal) My presence need little explanation,
All the world’s a river – and I’m its King.
However, perhaps my existence here
Proves fruitful. Your inner-demons hide well
But pride and hubris eats away at you.
Misery has a delectable taste
And my maw awaits a meal such as you.
Fie! You consider me weak-minded, villain?
Perhaps not pathetic as a Yordle,
But their will together is impressive.
You may satisfy if your confidence
Does not wane. Stronger men have been fell-ed.
Surely the fields of battle quench your thirst.
One as simple and bony as Ezreal
Would leave an appetite as this coin would (points to Ancient Coin).
The forlorn beings of the Shadow Isles,
Such as the Gravedigger would satiate.
Let me see. (takes the coin) Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him,
Janna, a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy.
Men such as Yorick deserve pure respect.
This measly squire earns little more than teeth (eats the coin).
(more angry than scared) Enough of this madness!
Why, in times of peace, must my place see battle
With demons, wizards and gods intruding?
Marksmen and enchanters may never rest
In horror that a deadly combatant
Charge, or otherwise materialize
Into their once undisturbed residence.
Tis true, to object is simply futile.
(More or less to herself) Two parties, both alike in dignity
In fair Piltover, where we lay our scene,
From plain farming break to new mutiny,
Where a gank’s blood make civil hands unclean.
From forth fatal lanes of these two foes
A pair of loyal allies cling to life
Whose fearsome company dare overthrows
Doth with their deaths bury their teammates strife.
“’O brave new world that has such people in’t!”
They cry before clashing their bloodied blades.
Yet to their anger doth colleagues commit.
To view the stage or provide needed aid,
That is the question. But pointless bloodshed
Simply help to set the duo’s deathbed
True Janna, leave us be or ignite rage
That flood through Piltover’s veins, Caitlyn’s gun
Is quick to eliminate murderers.
Perhaps my presence is less occasion
And more trouble. Let us leave, Caretaker,
Before ninjas, gamblers or Void creatures
Travel to our locale!
Ring toot toot ring!
(Aside) To abuse my powers for trivial
Locomotion is crude, albeit fun…
(Exit Bard and Zilean)
Delay, my swift, fleeing acquaintances,
Time to Cooldown impedes my excursion!
(Aside) Pray that Heimerdinger be unprepar’d
Because my assiduous appetite
May, like myself, be not easily bench-ed
(Exit Tahm Kench)
Although lesser evil than those villains,
I’m afraid that I will roam past these walls.
Much greater aid than mere babysitting
Is needed elsewhere. Take care, explorer.
Wait! Leave not without me, for loneliness
Leaves one vulnerable and without your
Eye of the Storm, my scared soul and body
Be quick to dismantle by one whose burst
Squishes me were I a mere mortal bug.