Kakuni (OCE)
: That's my brother you're talking about. He's only 13 and has been getting death threats because of this mistake he's made. It's people like you who take things as they see them and can't think of the rationale behind ones actions or thought process. He's 13, doesn't have much money, sees an opportunity to post one of his favourite fictional stories and have enough rp to buy him and his friends some skins, why wouldn't a 13 year old do that. But thanks I'm sure you've done the whole community a great favour by exposing a minor, you must feel like a hero
Assuming what you say is true (I have my doubts), plagiarism is not and never will be okay. Claiming someone else's work as his own, and then setting up an amateur bot to flood the voting and reap the rewards over other, more deserving entries is not something you should condone as an older sibling, and shame on you for encouraging such behaviour. It is lazy, entitled and promotes an awful attitude as he gets older, leeching off the back of others hard work. Then again, given that you posted this yesterday: > I voted PROJECT HUNT this shit is a meme I have you down as a troll. In either case, you should take a good, long look at yourself and grow the hell up.
: Thanks heaps! Oops sorry, if you meant PM through the client, I actually don't have access to my League client for quite a while :S (I'm overseas at the moment with only a writing laptop).
I thought Boards had some kind of internal PM system, like pretty much any other forum. Turns out there isn't. Send a discord PM to Xepheria#0877, if you have that.
: Hey there Xepheria, I know this is a lot to ask, but if you get the time would you be able to do a similar break down of my entry as well? Seeing Red - by RequiemAvatar I didn't get shortlisted this time but I'm definitely looking to improve. I know I can get overly wordy with my descriptions so some constructive criticism would be really really welcome! Thank you~
I'll see what I can do. PM me and we can get in touch.
: Yeah. While I think 'this is a vow' and 'A Devourer of Stars' are the clear-cut best-written, I can understand the broad appeal of Rift Quest. PROJECT: Hunt? I sense shenanigans.
I agree. This _reeks_ of vote manipulation. I hope Riot OCE look into this, because Project: Hunt is just... not good, having spent nearly 1500 words breaking it down.
Achenar (OCE)
: Skins Story Slam 2018 - Vote Now!
Going to repost my breakdown of PROJECT: HUNT to the main thread. There's definitely something going on with the votes here... ______________________________________________________________________________________ Alright, let's have a look at this while I watch the PVB AFS game, since it has so much of a lead over the other entries. Overall, I think this story (more of a scene, really. 1500 words is hard to work with) is a bit of a mixed bag. There's some nice description that you have going here in places, but it's often undermined by overly wordy passages or a poor sense of rhythm in your clauses. A few examples: >The sickly-sweet, all too strong stench of roses and eucalyptus This is a lovely passage, sibilance evoking a somewhat sinister air to a smell a reader can quite easily conjure in their minds. > The corpse itself was frozen in a flamboyant pose, his hands topped with completely broken fingers reaching for the sky as his head bowed forward and he kneeled as if in prayer This, however, is a great image pulled down by poor sentence composition and conflicting ideas. To start, the first clause is... unnecessary? We don't need to be told that the pose is flamboyant if you immediately go on to describe what exactly the pose is - a reader can gather that themselves. The second clause is frankly tiring to read, overly wordy with no sense of rhythm. Furthermore, there is a thematic clash between image of a corpse kneeled in supplication (to a diety or higher power - I like the image it's trying to create), and the use of 'flamboyant' earlier in the sentence. This passage could be so much better than it is. > A long gash starting at his chin and ending at the base of his stomach was propped open by a set of four roses sculpted from metal. The sight that sent Vi’s stomach churning, however, was the long, thick trail of blood that started from the wound and then floated upwards, held in place by glowing red hard-light constructs. The blood eventually took the shape of a phoenix above the corpse’s head. Holographic words in cursive script flanked the man on both sides, reading: “As a phoenix rises when freed from his mortal cage, so to does the hunter ascend when his precious work is complete.” This is dull. I have many issues with this paragraph, but most of it boils down to the fact that the description is just... pedestrian. Plodding. It doesn't fit Jhin in the slightest. If you want to evoke a sense of sick artistry, give me something more than 'a long gash', 'glowing red hard-light' and 'long thick trail of blood'. There's so much more that could be done here - it needs to be more descriptive, with more care taken towards the language used. The 'cursive text' is clunky, arrhythmic, and says very little about our villain. To continue this line of thought, the supposed antagonist feels to me less like a character and more like a caricature - weak, cliched dialogue, lacking in style and failing to create any kind of narrative tension. The dialogue in particular is a massive issue for me: > “Ah, it seems I’ve been caught. I will take the liberty to excuse your intrusion if you would kindly let me finish my work,” Jhin said in a lilting, condescending tone. The eucalyptus-rose scent wafted from him like light from a holo-construct. > “You’re a special one, aren’t you?” Jhin said, his voice indicating a grin. “I look forward to killing you with the rapturous style you deserve someday. For now, let’s see how you fair against the concrete.” What? What is this trying to say? You try for overly wordy, flamboyant prose for Jhin, (which would fit if executed properly), but instead completely miss the mark. There is no sense of poetry, style or flair in his words, or the actions that you describe. It's clunky, doesn't fit the character, _says absolutely nothing_ to the reader and massively weakens the scene in general. This issue isn't limited to Jhin, but is in fact an ongoing trend throughout the entire entry - weak characterisation, taking up valuable words to say very little, words that could be used to far better effect. Vi, the supposed protagonist, has conflicting portrayals throughout, and I wonder if the author had a clear idea of what her character should be. > “Fine, Cupcake,” Vi said through gritted teeth. “HQ, it’s PROJECT 6. The culprit is Jhin, no question. He’s up to his sick shit again.” You want to portray Vi as this straightforward, 'punch first, ask questions later' kind of cop. I get that. This whole passage with Caitlyn, however, breaks tension and feels pretty out of place in terms of the flow of the scene. It could be improved, in my opinion, by breaking it up and interspersing it with the description, make it feel like there's some kind of progression, rather than stagnant chatting. > “Cupcake. He’s here. Skyscraper window exactly on my level, approximately 26.5 meters away.” I take issue with the use of 'approximately' and '26.5'. Precision, estimation - pick one. > Vi rolled her eyes and silently cursed. “Sending you a full scan of the crime scene. There’s some hard-light constructs involved again, so I’ll have to rescan with HLCS settings adjusted to--” Technobabble. It tells us nothing, especially as the next line makes it completely irrelevant. It also feels distinctly out of sync with what you _want_ your Vi to be. > Quietly? Vi smirked. She wasn’t letting this bastard get away. 'Smirked' feels at odds with how you've portrayed Vi throughout, and at odds with the tone of the scene as a whole. I feel like disgust, or simmering, barely contained anger, or any other number of emotions would work better here. Now looking at the action scenes in the latter half of the entry, which to me they feel lackluster. They're one-note; short sentence followed by abrupt short sentence that tries to be fast paced but instead comes across as stilted, with redundant description and little sense for how a fight would progress. > She twisted her head to see the barrel of a pistol shoved before her visor. Followed immediately by: > And with that, he cocked his gun and shot her straight through the elbows of both arms. The gun was at her head? How is it suddenly by her side, in a strange position that somehow manages to shoot through both of her elbows, miss everything else, and still have her survive? Furthermore, what's up with her reaction afterwards? > Vi gritted her teeth and braced for impact. Her augments would likely keep her alive, but just barely. It wasn’t going to be painless, that was for sure. > “Shit,” she said, watching the ground rush up to meet her. That was it. Jhin was definitely on her “punch into smithereens” list now. She's just had her arms blown off! And it's not like they were robotic either - not two sentences earlier you describe them as gauntlets! This whole series of events is poorly scripted, with locations and reactions being all over the damn place. Frankly, this is a complete mess. Taking a step back and looking at the scene holistically, I think I've come to the conclusion that it just _doesn't do anything_. The more in-depth I break things down, the more I go over it, the more I dislike it, which I think is evident by the change in tone as the post progresses. What annoys me most here is the sheer wasted potential - there's so much that could have been done with this setting, and the two characters, and it just feels like there was a distinct lack of thought and care put into the writing. The question then becomes: why does this have such as substantial lead over literally every other entry? It certainly isn't on the strength of the writing. As an addendum, if I were to rewrite this within the same setting, I would play the 'creeping dread' angle far more, and use it more as a character study for Vi, displaying the horrific artistry that Jhin puts into his killings in vivid detail, and building up to the confrontation. Cut out the action sequence entirely, and have the tension build all the way to end with the confrontation between Jhin and Vi. Jhin doesn't need to speak at all; we can get a sense of his character, his motives, entirely through his actions and the thought that he puts into the killings.

Xepheria

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