Rioter Comments
: 9.8: Lore Update
I was wondering, in Zyra's new short story she spawns from a zychid - is this how she originally comes to be, or has she sprouted in the past? The zychid was grafted to a piece of bone when Hatilly buys it which makes me feel like Zyra has sprouted before but can perhaps revert back to a flower-like state? It'd be interesting to know if that's actually the case or if I'm just reading into it too deeply XD
: LRF 2019 Contest Results!
So stoked to hear you enjoyed my story! I loved reading the other entries, and think that CreekTerrarium and Golin Longshanks wrote some excellent pieces. Congratulations to the both of you!
Rioter Comments
Niji (OCE)
: Gnarly adventures (pt.1 haha maybe more parts some time xD)
: Thank you for the feedback. All extremely useful. I've got a lot to think about. > This all being said, for the most part your grammar is good **so feel disheartened.** If you say so. {{sticker:zombie-nunu-bummed}} Haha. But yea. I was never good at english class at school. I'll work on my grammar and punctuation. Thanks again.
Evidently my English could also use some work, I meant to say **don't** feel disheartened. Keep that heart, I like reading your stuff - sorry about that error!
Rioter Comments
: A Stone for a Feast
Nice story, I think you've done a lot of good things here - I especially like the way you've encapsulated Tahm's character. Of course, there's always room for improvement, so let me go through some of the things that I think could be worked on. Overall there are a bunch of small grammar errors that could be polished. A bunch of capital letters have escaped into the middle of your sentences, e.g. "To go now would mean no Stone and no Light for her people...". Stone and light don't need to be capitalized here. Your capitals should be reserved for the names of things, like Nami and Tahm Kench. I also found the sentence, "The Pearl for the Moonstone the Elders said. Simple." a little confusing as it almost comes across like the elders are saying it at that moment despite not being present. I think rewording this would make the story flow better. This all being said, for the most part your grammar is good so feel disheartened. As far as characters go I think you've done a great job at really capturing Tahm and Nami, in particular the sensory details you've used add a lot to how the reader percieves the characters. Tahm's hefty thud as he sat stood out to me as a particularly good detail. In this regard I'd say to go even further with your detail - describe the water flowing across Nami's skin as she ascends, the temperature as she leaves the water. Use detail to foreshadow Tahm's darker motives, maybe describe him smiling in a way that makes the reader a bit uncomfortable, such as pointing out his pointed teeth or how his maw seemed to swallow the small amount of light offered by the moon. Body language and sensory details are useful to help tell your story without explicitly stating what's going on, so experimenting with these could make your story even better. I enjoyed reading your piece, I love Nami and its always nice to see content about her. Keep up the good work! {{sticker:slayer-pantheon-thumbs}}
Achenar (OCE)
: A Touch of the Void Writing Contest - Sponsored by Logitech
Asking to make sure, will the title of our pieces count towards the word count? Don't want to accidentally push my story over by one or two words and have it disqualified XD
Fluff ewe (OCE)
: An aquarium: for a fish, and its viewing pleasure. (Touch of the Void submission)
Hi Fluff! I read through your story and I really enjoyed it, the way you describe things is brilliant and really engages the reader. In particular that line where you had the cats eye, "rolling madly in its socket like a screw" gave a real clear image that will probably pop up in my nightmares some time, so thanks (and good work =P). I'm hoping I'll be able to help you improve your story by giving my opinions on it, although I don't know everything so you can be the judge of how much of my advice you want to actually use =P I'll start with your concerns. 1. I don't think the gift reference is as strong a link to the cat being Vel'koz as the other hints you laid down, although it doesn't hurt the story to keep it. I also didn't realize that the cat was Vel'koz in the early stages of the story despite all the little hints, although when shit hit the fan it did all come together in my head. From the get go I knew there was something up with the cat, it spoke in a weird way and had the purple eye (Nice play on words with the line, "purple-pink eye that seemed void of light", although instead of purple-pink violet might be a good word to use) but I wasn't really sure what was weird about the cat. I didn't even realize it was linked to the void, simply because Ionia is a weird magical place with weird magical animal people, so why not have weird magical pets too? In saying that, I don't think the reader needs to specifically know that the cat is linked to Vel'koz, or even the void at the start of the story. Just knowing that somethings up with the cat builds the tension you need. 2. If you're concerned people aren't going to realize it's Vel, a good idea might be to drop his name into the story somewhere - maybe as Vel burns the poor guys throat a single name flashes into his mind - Vel'Koz. When I was reading I didn't have any trouble in realizing it was Vel though, so I maybe get a few more people to read through your story before you decide on what to do. 3. In relation to the third point, I think the issue is more in the flow of the writing rather than the characters being boring, but I'll touch on that later. I was quite happy reading about these two mystery characters talking to one another because of the mystery surrounding the cat - who is it? Why was it this man's downfall? This prevented it from getting boring - they don't have to be champions to be interesting. 4. I think it was pretty clear that the MC was just a random - at no point was I thinking, "I wonder if this is Ryze?", so I wouldn't worry about it =) I think the strength of your story comes from your ability to describe things in good sensory detail. The flow of your story is what I'd be looking to improve. Currently there are some bits that could be smoother to read, such as, "She seemed to unfailingly know everything." which could instead just be, "She seemed to know everything." I realize that some of these lines are used to hint towards the cat being Vel, but I think that smoothing out your sentences and writing in that information in different ways will improve the readability of your story. Another thing that felt a bit odd to me was how Vel displayed emotion in his cat form. Vel is very much an emotionless being, and I think you've done a very good job of portraying that even while he's a cat, however there was one part where the cat looked sad and it just didn't feel like Vel. This is a bit of a tricky one since the cat is supposed to be manipulating this guy, so maybe it'd be better to just leave it and build on other aspects of your story, but I thought I should mention it in case you had any ideas on how to change that part. Another more specific thing that I found didn't make sense was when Vel'koz started talking about the League? It felt a bit random and didn't make any sense in relation to the story. An idea I had was maybe change 'League' to 'Void', as that'd make more sense considering Vel'koz is a creature of the void. The last comment I have is in relation to when Vel tells the man that he killed off his social life by murdering his friends and imitating him in mean letters. It felt a bit odd that Vel would just blurt that out before painting the room with guys melted flesh, but at the same time I know you want to tell the reader, 'this is how Vel cornered his prey.' A better way of doing this might be to have Vel go on in a bit of an evil mastermind monologue - not a long one, just enough for him to comment on how he finds humans interesting, especially their bonds to others, then have him say that at first he tried killing off the MC's friends before realizing that imitating the MC in mean letters was a more effective, less messy method of eradicating the problem. Another way to approach it may be to not have Vel mention it at all, instead having the MC realize and comment on it in his thoughts to the reader. I hope some of this is helpful to you Fluff. Thanks for putting up your story and giving me the opportunity to read it, I wish you luck in the upcoming comp!
: SSS FINALIST: Dragon Slayer
Thanks for reading my story everyone, it's nice to hear people are enjoying it.
: This is actually so good, I can't believe this isn't professional, You should write books I would buy plz comment if you start writing its so good
Dawww! I'm glad I could create something you like! I hope to do some professional writing in the future and knowing that people like my stuff is definitely a good motivator XD
: Not bad. This is really good.
Thanks, its good to hear you enjoyed it :)
: U two wrote the best stories i think! I ended up voting for zookie but I loved the dragon slayer one as well!
You're too kind! I have to agree that Zookie's story is very well written, it deserves all the votes it gets :D
Zookie (OCE)
: They are all so great! Congrats to everyone who got on the shortlist ~
Thanks! I couldn't agree more, I really enjoyed reading everyones entry.
: Skins Story Slam: FanFiction Contest
I seem to be having the same issue other people are having with the infinite swirling loading icon of confusion when submitting into woobox, although it seems peoples entries are getting through. Is there a certain amount of time I should be waiting for before closing the tab? I don't want to not have my story entered because I accidentally closed the entry tab before it had properly gone through.
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Level 117 (OCE)
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