Rioter Comments
: Game's fucked again.
for me this is (i think) the result of my anti-virus software disliking the stub.dll file in the new download. UPDATE: this indeed appears to be the case. disabling my on-access file reading is allowing me to reconnect. SECOND UPDATE: so I fixed that, to immediately be hit with the classic connection bug, where re-connection freezes and you have to restart your computer... riot is a great company. they aren't completely damn useless at all :):):):):):):):):)
Achenar (OCE)
: ART/COMP - Results, Sponsored by Wacom
why is xin holding a mic when he's already got a face mic?? {{sticker:zombie-brand-mindblown}}
"Literary" -- now that's ironic.
xGreeDz (OCE)
: ***
Irregardless of your point re compensation, the concert is a poor example. Concerts only ever provide refunds. Apart from that, I agree a small compensation would be nice.
Achenar (OCE)
I enjoyed this story a lot. The interactions between Kayn and Rhaast were interesting and evocative. Just a few pieces of advice. Be careful with your use of semicolons. A lot of them are unneeded. For example: > It had been obliterated; the hideout having disappeared without a trace. The word 'having' makes the second clause dependent. This means the semicolon doesn't make sense/is unneeded. 'Having' should be 'had' instead, and even then, splitting it into two separate, simple sentences might be more effective. eg: > It had been obliterated. The hideout had disappeared without a trace. Although, if you want to stick a semicolon between those two sentences, that would work too. Also: > In its place; deep cracks which stuck far into the earth, alien tendrils flowed out like roots, burrowing into the surrounding stonework, an unsettling purple glow which permeated the shadows around it. this sentence is a bit of a mess. If you read the clauses before and after the semicolon, neither of them make sense on their own. Why not just have: > In its place were deep cracks which stuck far into the earth. Alien tendrils flowed out like roots, burrowing into... etc. Even though 'stuck far' could use be rephrased to use language that's more evocative, do you see how much better the second version is? You have all the components, just a tiny reshuffle makes a huge difference. I have fallen into this trap before: semicolons are not your friend! Feel free to ignore this as much as you want. At the end of the day, you're the writer and this piece was a very enjoyable read. Best, Wim :)
: I didn't mean it was a stylistic choice, I just meant of all grammar rules, the fact that 'it's' isn't possessive despite all other possessives following that 's rule is one that people aren't likely to know. Using it's for possessive feels weird because "it is" but using its for possessive (which is the correct as far as I know) feels weird because all other possessives have the apostrophe. It's an easy mistake to make, especially if you've never seen it in context (which is entirely possible).
I think it _was _a stylistic choice -- "It's" _always _uses a capital letter ie. possesive regarding the character 'It.' It's just super confusing. Best, Wim
: It's not exactly the most logical grammar rule. More like an arbitrary choice was made to resolve conflicting grammar.
At times it just looks extremely wrong or is super unclear: "It opened It’s eyes. No. That wasn’t right. It’s eyes opened. But it hadn’t opened them." When you think about it though, when taking about its eyes, it should definitely be 'its.' Nobody says "Wim opened Wim's eyes." It would be "Wim opened his eyes" or "their eyes" which is why I think 'its' should just be used as the possessive rather than making it overly complex and unclear. Sure, you're right, it's a stylistic choice, I just think it's definitely the wrong one and (for me at least) makes it difficult to get into the story.
Achenar (OCE)
: VOID FINALIST: Stepping into a New Skin
I can't even read this I get too frustrated with the constant "it's" instead of "its"
: love this story so much! i think you did an amazing job with bringing out vel's voice and developing his character. i have to say, you are an absolutely amazing writer, the descriptions are so vivid and compelling. i really enjoyed how you slowly learn things about earth through vel's head, it really convinces you that you are there with him. the concept of this is super cool, and i also love the contrast between having incredibly descriptive sentences that finish with short, simple lines such as "I will destroy it". it emphasizes the fact that vel is a construct from the void, yet retains his voice as an intelligent being. i think that the simplicity fits vel really well- it makes him seem much more vicious, and still was done in a way that doesn't make him seem simple or stupid. it reads really well as a -1500 word short story, i like that you dropped little hints of his past to give the character more dimension (i have eaten stars before) without going on a long tangent. it keeps the story interesting and focused. amazing job mate, you have my vote ;)
: I really enjoy the simplicity of the sentence structure and the way in which you make it sound like he is rediscovering the world as he roams through it again. I also enjoy that you moved away from the norms of the subject looking at something a little more out there. The way you use the voices of those who he eats in how he understands is very cool I think and I enjoy how you make him confused about some of the emotion that is flooding him while he consumes more, simultaniously wanting to feast but in doing so, confusing himself more and more. The depiction of the Void as a simple home is also nice and I like to think he retreats there to just contemplate all the knowledge he has gained. I think I would've liked to see a bit more reflection on his previous experience in this world but that was probably limitted by word count :) What I'm not too sure about is why he is able to disintegrate a young girl and her (assumed) mother before hand but when he does it the second time it is his tipping point. Also I feel like if he has done this so many times before ("I have the knowledge of thousands of worlds...") he wouldn't be as surprised by the voices he's encountering ("What are these voices in my head?"). Maybe a greater knowledge of the voices but an inability to understand them might have worked nicely? (eg. "I feel them swell in my mind again, rising and falling, ebbing and flowing, the voices that have greeted me so many times before, the visions that cloud my sight.." or something like that. That being said, really enjoyed it :) good luck for the competition!! Very well written
Yes, I quickly realised I didn't have enough words to focus too much on his past adventures! Good catch, the "young girl" in the skyscraper was meant to be ~20. Re the voices: they are (meant to be) a new thing, occurring for reasons unknown. Thanks for your reply and your advice is v sound, the submission form won't allow me to resubmit though, so here's hoping nobody notices it! Thanks, ~Wim
Fluff ewe (OCE)
: Hey, thanks for taking the time to reply. Those are respectable choices! I've always interpreted him a lot differently, though you've probably gleaned that from the initial comment anyway. It's good to hear what others think. (Especially since the contest is based on popular vote, haha.) I can't really vouch for any either being more 'true' or not. Say, I think that Vel would be highly sophisticated and that his thought process would reflect this, but this is practically impossible to prove, considering a/ lore doesn't have to be followed to a tee (and his original piece itself doesn't even seem to be edited ): b/ his lore isn't very comprehensive anyway. It's all about the interpretation, and so I'll take yours, here. It's always strange reading something that subverts tropes to fall into another, or maybe that's just me — to have seen too many iterations of tropes that everything has become familiar. 'The mindlessly hungry darkness creature' is one, and 'unexpected empathy from killer/antagonist/dark creature' is another, and 'motherless child spurring empathy' is yet another. It's not really a crime considering how unavoidable it is, or when you want to consider your demographic and how many tropes it's likely that they've seen to grown weary of. Also, if I were to answer that last question, I would say that he wouldn't hesitate. I'd say he lacks many of the biological instincts and/or responses that would spur 'feelings' simply because his brain is not a human one. If something that could inherently, biologically, and structurally not 'feel' were to be presented with the synapses, neurons, and mappings for feeling — because that's what they are, at least to my understanding — he would objectively understand it but never _experience_ it. Maybe that would drive him to continual destruction, pursuing something he physically cannot comprehend. That, or he understands it so fully: the emotional manipulation regarding it as well as the objective understanding of where, why, and for what benefit that feeling has occurred, that he is simply beyond reacting to it. That could make for an interesting story. But that's not what this is about, and it's also another 'twist' in a well-creased fabric. So I'd say good work on your story and the consideration behind it~
Thanks for your reply, You make some very good points. Re the popular vote though, that's why I'm pretty unconcerned with the tropes I've used. The mindlessly dark creature though, that was the whole of Vel'koz's official story and lore. All he wants is to obtain knowledge, for the Watchers, so they can destroy the universe. I've tried to in some way expand this; now he (well, it) has its own misgivings. I think my portrayal is a more complex--yes, it has it has its own pitfalls, but still, a little more complex. Your last two paragraphs are very interesting. I'd love to explore those concepts, if I wouldn't have to rework so much of the original piece. Another time! Best, ~Wim
: This is a good story I like it, has a nice spin to the whole void thing in my opinion. Great work :D
Buttercup (OCE)
: The Ballad of the Void (A Touch of the Void Contest - First Draft)
I enjoyed this! Be careful of your comma usage. Your third stanza for example: "I found myself trapped there, A century ago," your first comma is unneeded. Without it, it would look this this. "I found myself trapped there A century ago," This would be called enjambment, where one line runs over to the next. When this happens, the last word on the end of the line is automatically given extra attention by the reader. So, instead of having the reader focused on the word "there" you could have them focus on the word trapped. ie: "I found myself trapped A century ago," Now whether or not this works for this line is up to you. It's just something to keep in mind. Also, if lines are end stopped, ie. they start and end in one line like "I was surrounded by monsters." It gives them more emphasis. Best, ~Wim
Fluff ewe (OCE)
: I'm a fan of Vel'koz, forever and ever <3 so very very pleasantly surprised to see it was him If I would say something, though, it's that you might go a tad overboard on the "I"s, especially near the beginning. You choose a very simple sentence structure for a highly intelligent being, (which I'd love to hear your choice for, actually!) and with that active sentence type it's easy to repeat pronouns a lot. Also interested to know why you chose to pull on a 'hunger' aspect, too, considering in his canonical lore (though you may have purposely choose a different path from this, which I'd be interested to hear why) he is portrayed to be above base instincts. Also, why choose a child and her mother when Vel likely has had no mother & so direct sense of empathy for motherhood? If he is developing empathy from those he's deconstructed, do you think there would be a less cliché but equally effective means of portraying this? Moreover: why now? Please don't take this as a slight against your work. I've liked yours quite a bit, so far, out of the other posts on the board, and that's why I want to hear your take on your choices (: Edit: I've liked yours the most. Please take this as high praise.
Thank you for your comment and praise, I greatly appreciate it. Re the simplistic sentence structure, I’ve always thought that the creatures of the Void would think simplistically. From the lore I’ve read, and the accompanying story, Vel’koz seems highly highly driven to acquire knowledge. There is no reason stated to why, apart from learning the weaknesses of other races the Void seeks to exploit. A construct created for this purpose would most likely think simplistically — that’s my take anyway. The story written by Riot also had similar sentence structure — even more simplistic actually. I used the metaphor of Hunger to display the drive to acquire knowledge. I interpreted it as a truely base instinct wired into Vel — he’s being exploited / used for this purpose and nothing else. In regards to the mother and her child, him acquiring all these people’s Knowledge beforehand (especially the mother’s) made him hesitate. Him being influenced by the knowledge he gathers is foreshadowed earlier in the piece, when he becomes annoyed at the pollution of the cars after disintegrating the scientist. Yes, the mother/child trope is overused, yes there was probably a more subtle way in conveying this, but I think it still works all the same. As for the ‘why now’ aspect of his empathy or at least his thoughts of empathy, I don’t know! That was the opening thought I had before I wrote this piece: What if a being tasked with acquiring knowledge of things he destroys, acquires their thoughts and feelings as well? Would the being hesitate? Block out those voices? How could they cope? Thanks, ~Wim
truffles (OCE)
: Call of the Void - My Entry
I'm unsure if you're looking for constructive criticism, but I'll leave it here and you can do with it as you will :) I like the use of second person in the beginning, definitely fits with the dialogue. I grew a little tired with line after line of dialogue later, was there a reason you stopped the descriptions? I found it hard to connect with just the voice of someone I hadn't seen, and limited bodily description (although your first paragraph of description was very evocative.) A couple of spelling/grammatical mistakes: - "breath" should be "breathe" in the first line. - "An uncontrollable trickle of panic filling your being drip by drip" should be "fills" - "beaconing" should be "beckoning." - at the end, "board" should be "bored" In dialogue, if a paragraph ends, and the same person is speaking in the next line, you leave out the closing speech marks of that line. For example: "Have you ever felt the void? "It called you didn't it?" etc. If you don't like the look of this, you could space it out with ellipses, or tag it with something like 'the voice paused.' and then resume the dialogue as normal. Also check your capitalisations within your dialogue. When the voice laughs towards the end, the capitalised 'hahaha' pulled me out of the narrative a bit. I believe it would be more effective if you simply wrote 'he laughs ferociously, the sound booming out and echoing...' etc etc something similar. I enjoy what you have so far, these are just some suggestions to make it even better. Best, ~Wim.
: please review- thanks
Hi Valdaglerion, Interesting concept, I like the idea of someone not believing the Void is real and then being slowly taken over. But doesn't J4 _know_ the Void is real? Perhaps it would be better to move the 'soldiering' to somewhere a bit more out of the way, where Jarvan is a bit of a myth? I also like the ending, but the journey there needs a little fleshing out. Qaik's character especially (I still don't know what he looks like!) Maybe think of some backstory you can drop in there. This would add greater impact to his being taken over by the Void at the end of the piece. Some extra description would also give the reader a clearer view of the world, and what's happening to your characters. Remember to tag enough of your dialogue (with "she said" and "he said" you don't need as many adverbs like "retorted" etc.) so the reader can follow who's saying what. Also try to differentiate the voices of your character's dialogue. Sorry if this seems like a lot of criticism, but I think most of it is constructive. You don't have to agree with everything I've said, it's your piece, and at the end of the day you're the writer ;) Best of luck, ~Wim
Rioter Comments
Rioter Comments
: Honour Update - post game screen
  Rioter Comments
: Retiring Dominion
I racked up ~240 Dominions wins before my transfer to OCE. I enjoyed the faster match-time and less competitive nature of the game mode, and it was the gateway to my LoL experience. After transferring to OCE when it was released, I was upset to learn of the retired Dominion queue, this was placated when I realised I could still enjoy the custom-game "Hide and Seek" with a large group of my friends, now I learn that Rito is scrapping even the custom gamemode? RIP Dominion and HnS; you will be missed.

Wim Tinton

Level 109 (OCE)
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